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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28928100">we both know what this is</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/driv_el/pseuds/driv_el'>driv_el</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The 100 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Drabble, F/F, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, One Shot, Past Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Sexual Content, doesn't quite fit into a specific place in canon, somewhere near the end of or after season 3, takes place after lexa's death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 13:35:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,404</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28928100</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/driv_el/pseuds/driv_el</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p><i>She’s sobbing and shaking and she’s covered in tears and snot, when she feels arms wrap around her from behind. For a split second, she thinks that she’s managed to conjure Lexa with her longing. But the arms wrapped around her don’t belong to the girl she loves. Bellamy is the one holding her, refusing to let her shatter completely. They stay like that until Clarke can breathe again.</i> </p><p>Clarke is grieving Lexa and trying to grapple with her feelings for Bellamy.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, Clarke Griffin/Lexa</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>29</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>we both know what this is</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this is a bellarke fic and a clexa fic. takes place after lexa’s death and is about grief and finding comfort where you can. if you’re not into the idea that someone can love multiple people and hold space for two great loves in their heart this one isn’t for you.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Clarke still dreams of Lexa-- standing side by side as they marched into battle, the way the her hair fell over her shoulders as she leaned over Clarke in bed, how she bled black and never showed fear. She finds herself sleeping as many hours as she can, hoping to end up in one of the beautiful dreams where they’re both naked and sun-drenched, hands grasping, chapped lips skimming over soft skin. She almost always ends up in a nightmare, but she’s started to become addicted to the pain of watching the woman she loves die in her arms. </p><p>	When Clarke is awake, she tries to contribute to Arkadia. She goes hunting and she helps Raven sort scrap and sits silently in meetings where the people who consider themselves the adults argue about who can be considered an ally. But she finds her mind wandering toward Polis and it hurts too much to think about a Polis where the title Heda belongs to a stranger.  So she comes up with excuses to head back to her bunk early. She’ll drink a little moonshine to help still her shaking hands and curl up under her covers and wait for Lexa to come to her. </p><p>	Clarke is eating dinner with her mom and having a hard time keeping up a conversation. When her mom takes their dishes away, she sneaks back to her bunk and gets in bed. But this time, she doesn’t dream. When she comes to from the nothingness, it’s dark and she can hear her roommates breathing slowly. She squeezes her eyes shut and begs for her mind to let Lexa to appear but she can only conjure a brief glimpse of her before she fades. </p><p>	“Fuck,” Clarke hisses. Her cheeks are wet and it takes her a minute to realize that she’s sobbing. She rolls out of bed and pulls on her jacket and heads outside. There’s a fire going and a few of her friends are sitting around it shooting the shit but she heads the opposite direction towards the hole in the electric fence. </p><p>	She climbs through and starts heading toward the woods when she hears rustling behind her. “Stay the hell away from me,” she says, gritting her teeth. When she whirls around to see who is following her, she can barely see through her tears. She balls up her hands into fists and scrubs her eyes. </p><p>	Bellamy is standing next to her. He reaches for her but she takes a step back, crosses her arms, draws in a shaky breath. She knows Bellamy would never judge her for falling apart but he cares so much and she has already collapsed into his arms too many times to count since Lexa has been gone. </p><p>	“Please go away,” she says. </p><p>	Bellamy doesn’t move. “You can’t go into the woods alone.” </p><p>	Clarke rolls her eyes. “You know I can take care of myself, Bellamy.” </p><p>	“You know there are Grounders nearby. Let me walk with you.”   </p><p>	Clarke shrugs and starts walking. Bellamy follows and they walk together in silence. The air is crisp and Clarke breathes in the sweet scent of decaying leaves. She doesn’t look at Bellamy but knowing he’s walking next to her, matching her strides is comforting. As much as she hates to admit it, his presence often grounds her. She would never say that out loud, but he probably knows. She’s noticed that lately he’s softer when it’s just the two of them. </p><p>	The moon hangs low in the sky. The yellow white glow cuts through the trees stealing Clarke’s focus. She trips on a raised tree root and lands on her hands and knees. Her fingers press into the dirt and when she looks up, she swears she can see Lexa standing in front of her, hair meticulously braided, eyes smokey and smoldering. Clarke bows her head like she did the night she swore fealty to her Commander. She begs, “Come back to me, Heda. I’ll put the flame back in my head, I’ll destroy anyone who gets in my way, I’ll do anything, just please come back. I need you.” </p><p>	She’s sobbing and shaking and she’s covered in tears and snot, when she feels arms wrap around her from behind. For a split second, she thinks that she’s managed to conjure Lexa with her longing. But the arms wrapped around her don’t belong to the girl she loves. Bellamy is the one holding her, refusing to let her shatter completely. They stay like that until Clarke can breathe again. </p><p>	She pulls out of his embrace to turn around and then immediately throws herself back into his arms. He traces circles on her back and she finds her hands in his hair as she presses her cheek into his chest. </p><p>	“I’m sorry, Bell,” she says. “You shouldn’t have to deal with my shit like this.” </p><p>	He shakes his head, shushes her. “It’s okay to let yourself feel, Clarke.” </p><p>	She looks up to meet his gaze and realizes by tilting her head upwards, she’s a fraction of an inch away from kissing him. </p><p>	Bellamy’s breath hitches. Clarke notices. Before she can overthink or do any kind of thinking at all, really, she bridges the gap and their lips meet. His lips part and she deepens the kiss. He tastes different than Lexa-- she was pomegranates and incense and he is tobacco and summer rain. </p><p>	She bites down on his lip and he moans before pulling away. </p><p>	“Clarke,” Bellamy says. His voice sounds heavy with something that might be lust. No, not lust. He sounds like he’s in pain. He continues, “You’re upset and I don’t want you to regret this later.” </p><p>	She shakes her head and brushes her dirt stained fingers over his stubble before saying, “I want this.” </p><p>	“You want Lexa,” he says. Clarke searches his face for jealousy, but all she can see is concern.</p><p>	She nods. “I do.” She rests her hands on his shoulders and there’s that pained intake of breath again. “But I want you too.” </p><p>	Bellamy reaches out and wipes away the tears streaming down her cheeks with his knuckles. </p><p>	“I’m here for you,” he says. “Whatever you need.” </p><p>	She pushes him onto the ground and straddles him before he can change his mind. She leans over him, propping herself up with her hands on either side of his head and lets her body melt into his.<br/>
He unzips her jacket and peels it off of her so he can feel her breasts through her thin t-shirt and bra. She lets out a little gasp when he tweaks her nipples and grinds down into him. He can feel her lips on the pulse point of his neck and growls when she bites down hard enough to leave a mark.<br/>
“Is this okay?” Bellamy asks as he reaches to unbutton her jeans. She nods, hungry, and lets him  slide her jeans over her hips. </p><p>	“Can I?” she asks before returning the favor. </p><p>	Clarke fucks him slowly. She orgasms before he does and then hands over control. </p><p>	When they’re finished, they lie on the ground next to each other, legs still intertwined. Clarke brushes her fingertips over Bellamy’s callused palms while he twirls a bit of her hair with his.  </p><p>	Clarke tries to get up but it feels like her entire body is made of lead. So she stays wrapped up in Bellamy. “I didn’t mean to let this happen,” she says. </p><p>	“Clarke.” He rolls over slightly so he can look at her. “We don’t have to talk about it. I know you’re grieving Lexa and you needed something to distract you.” </p><p>	“No,” Clarke says, emphatically. “That’s not what I meant. You’re not a distraction.” </p><p>	“Oh, really? What am I then?” </p><p>	“It’s just… whenever I love someone, they end up dead.” </p><p>	“Who said anything about love, Princess?” Bellamy replies, with the ghost of a smirk. </p><p>	Clarke meets his gaze and presses a hand to his chest, feeling his heartbeat through his shirt. She has the urge to slide her hand underneath so there’s nothing but skin and bones between her hand and his heart. </p><p>	“We both know what this is,” she says. </p><p>	He hesitates and then nods. “I guess we do.” </p><p>	Clarke falls asleep next to Bellamy in the woods. When she dreams, Lexa is there. But when Clarke wakes, her cheeks wet and her heart aching and raw, she doesn’t wake up alone.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thanks for reading! i'm watching the show for the first time and am in shipping hell~ </p><p>hope to write more for this fandom so leave a comment if you liked this drabble &lt;3 </p><p>please no shipping war comments, i would very much like to be excluded from this narrative</p></blockquote></div></div>
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